Fear makes us do strange things. It makes us do things we're not even aware we're doing.

Your unconscious mind has powerful control over your life. In any conflict between conscious and unconscious, your unconscious wins every time.

I've taken steps to get my health under control. I need to have a healthier lifestyle if I'm going to survive 'til the Little One is grown up. But, powerful a reason as that is, it has yet to override my unconscious challenges with my eating and exercise behaviours.

When I connected with Nicole and Alex Ramirez I knew they could help me progress toward my health goals.

What I didn't know was how badly my unconscious wants me to stay in this comfort zone. (Mental comfort; physically, I'm uncomfortable all the time.)

Nicole has been trying to work with me for over two weeks, and I've managed to sabotage my own efforts in ways I can't even begin to understand. Fortunately, Nicole's an old hand at pushing mules up big hills and she's been patient with me while I sort out what's happening.

And that, dear readers, is one of the secrets: an accountability mentor.

Next week, we'll talk about how the circle of mentors we surround ourselves with can help shine a light on the fears that are holding us back.

Shining a Light on Scary Things

Remember as a kid, when you'd just be drifting off the sleep, and see that Scary Shape near the closet door?

It couldn't possibly be anything to worry about. I mean, this is your bedroom, and there was no one here but you when you went to bed.

But, there it is. A scary shape you can't identify.

If you do it right, you can lay awake, eyes closed and motionless, for hours. (Um, I read about this somewhere. I'd never lay awake half the night worrying about something I thought I saw on the other side of the room. Not me.)

Finally, in desperation, nature forces you to leave your bed. You scamper across the bed to the light switch and flick it on,  already shielding your head from the attack to come.

And it's a pair of jeans.

When we're afraid of something, we try not to look at it. Why look at scary things in real life; isn't that what movies and roller coasters are for?

Here's the thing: when we're afraid our client is angry at us, when we're afraid to launch that new product, when we're afraid of things in some vague, nebulous way, they're just Scary Shapes in the dark. We lay there, eyes closed, pretending they'll go away.

Shine a light on them. Worried about what a client thought of that last transaction? Don't bury your head in the sand. Call them. Say "After we talked, I started worrying that things weren't exactly what you expected. Rather than worrying, I wanted to call and make sure that everything was just right."

Most of the time, shining the light on the Scary Shape just shows you something silly and inconsequential. But even if what you see is something you should deal with, now, at least, you see it clearly.

Whether there's a real problem or not, shining a light on it is the first step to resolving it.

And, many times, it's the last step, too.

I've become fascinated by fear. No, I'm not into watching people eat spiders or juggle flaming chainsaws. I've found it educational to realise that with virtually all my coaching clients, the initial orientation and discovery conversation always leads to a point where I ask "What are you afraid of?" and they know exactly what the answer is.

Some fears make sense. Don't put your hand in the lion's mouth. Don't jump out of airplanes without a parachute (or, at least, a silkworm.)

We all know that there's some speech which will be universally offensive. We know there are attitudes and behaviours which just aren't acceptable. Some fears are less concrete. These are the ones we struggle with. They're usually wrong.

We worry, when writing, that someone won't like what we've written. We worry, when going out with friends, that someone will think we're dressed odd. We worry, when we turn on the radio in the car, that our passengers will wonder why we listen to that.

We go farther. We worry that the idea we had is doomed to failure. We worry that the new person won't like us. We worry that the thing we're writing, blog post, book, or song, won't be good enough.

My good friend Jerry Kennedy wrote something recently that really got my attention: "It's giving up before we've had the chance to fail that kills us, little by little."

Musician Ian Stewart wrote this to me today: "If fear means an awareness that you are on a journey, getting where you want to be, then it can be controlled and accepted."

When you're walking on a dark path at night, one way to control and accept fear is to have a flashlight, so you know exactly what there is (or isn't) to be afraid of.

Just read something Jerry Kennedy wrote that stopped me in my tracks:

It’s giving up before we’ve had the chance to fail that kills us, little by little.

Not unlike getting kicked in the gut by a mule wearing Doc Martens.

I've become a specialist at quitting before I fail.

D'oh.